It may come as a surprise to many who know me. I helped teach kindergarteners about religion. It was so long ago, it seems like another life…and in a lot of ways it was. I was young(er), newly Catholic and married with a minivan full of babies myself. I was “doing it right”, I thought. This journey started way further back then that…Плиты погреба
As a little girl, growing up in a family that did not attend church, I often envied my friends who were made to go. Sometimes, if I spent the night at one of their houses, I got to attend with them. Church, seemed magical to me. Everyone dressed up and families spending time together. My homelife was not very stable and a little girls mind could easily link Church as a common denominator to what good families do.
Fast forward to a girl, getting married far to young, determined to do everything different…I jumped at the chance to join my husbands religion. Becoming Catholic was, in part, insurance I’d have one of those good families AND I felt like I was finally a part of some secret club. Catholicism had it all. From Midnight Mass to praying the Rosary, I felt like I hit the jackpot of religions. I took the class, studied, even taught my husband things he didn’t know. This Catholic thing, I was doing it right and I was good at it. I thought. It was never very personal for me. It is a beautiful religion but you can’t just DO a religion. It’s like putting on a pair of shoes regardless of the size because you think you are SUPPOSED to wear them…but you would rather be barefoot.
Sadly, saying Hail Mary’s when we heard an ambulance or praying the Rosary with my children at 3pm wasn’t insurance enough against my failing marriage. I seemed to divorce the religion along with my husband. Not that it had failed me, I secretly felt that I had failed it and that I no longer deserved a place in the church.
For years I have avoided religion altogether. As I delve further into personal development, whenever setting goals, I skipped over the spiritual section…feeling once again like that little girl who didn’t really belong. And that little girl would like to say…you Jesus people scare her a little. Religion overwhelms her.
So, it has been QUITE the surprise that all of a sudden BAM! This year seems to BE about that section I kept skipping over, Spirituality. This year I find myself the student and while my journey may look very different from earlier attempts, its finally something I’ve come to for me.
I don’t have all the answers, and I am finally really and truly okay with that. I pray and meditate and sometimes its to some universal higher power and sometimes its to myself. Its this beautiful conversation that I am now ready to be a part of. Maybe its because I will be 40 this year, maybe its because I’ve been dealing with so many of those misconceptions of a little girl, maybe just MAYBE its because I’ve gotten to a place where I love myself enough to feel the kind of love that comes with spirituality.